Yesterday morning I woke up so depressed. I saw in my dream that I was talking to Barbs and I was asking her how she used to go home from school. I was wondering why I never went home for lunch of something. So I got up and got dressed and left the house. First I went and paid for the tickets for France. Then I headed towards Vicky. I stopped and weighted myself and I was very shocked.* So I went and sat and Vicky and drank coffee. Some guy came and he was singing to us and Vicky was annoyed by him. Ada came too so I saw her for the first time. Then we went and got some cake for Kosti and went home. I went to the washroom and had a realization about my weight. I talked to Babs too and she told me that Dr George told her I cannot fast for lent, just in front of the cousins if I have to. By the way, Vicky gave me a necklace. I am going to buy it but she let me take it so I can wear it in France. Anyway. Then I went to the academic center and emailed and did some homework. I left and came home to do some stuff. Alex called and said she was going to come by. Then Minnie and Patty stopped by too. Nobody stayed long. Me and Alex left without any real plans. She is a few days late and she just is getting such a kick out of it. I could not believe half of the jokes she was making. And she said she would have an abortion as if it was nothing. I don't understand. We called a bunch of people but no one was home. So we walked to the center. There were some ladies singing so we listened to them for a while. Then we took a walk down Ermou Stree. Before all of this we saw the changing of the guards too. Then Kathy called and said Larry was at the house so we all decide to meet out. We sat at this restaurant and some people were singing. But no one was in a talkative mood. Alex was totally out of it. Nobody wanted to really go out so we went to this beer place. It was really nice atmosphere and music. We left kind of early though and came home. I of course wanted to stay out but oh well. It took me forever to fall asleep and this morning we were woken up early. We went to do some shopping. Dina bought pants and glasses and Alex bought gym shoes. Then George picked up Alex and me and Dina went home but she had to leave. So me and Kathy and Aunt E sat and at the food she made. I thought it was crappy for Alex to leave because she knew how excited Aunt E was to have everyone at the house. After lunch, me and Kathy sat outside because it was gorgeous today. We played some backgammon and talked. I felt bad because she really really sucked at it. Then we wanted some TV and I left to come home. Joanna was already here and now we are going to go out.
I actually initially wrote "I had a realization" but crossed it off to say "I was very shocked". I mention this realization again later but never actually say what the realization was. I am assuming it was something along the lines of, I have lost too much weight, I am disgusting, I can't lose anymore. Those were very recurring thoughts for me during this time. But I kept losing and then kept repeating. I really did not want to lose anymore. But I was more afraid of gaining than I was of losing. I was so unhappy with myself. I knew my weight and my disordered eating and thoughts were the cause of all my problems, but I had no idea how to make it stop. I did not want to talk about my problems with anyone. I wanted to figure it out on my own. I was ashamed of what I had done to myself.
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