February 17, 2000

This morning I woke up with a call from Barbara. I felt so bad because I felt like I said nothing to her but she catches me off guard. I went to school early to talk to the Attic Tragedy teacher about the paper but he spent the whole time talking to one student. And then he blames us for not showing up. So then I went and took the midterm. I left there feeling pretty confident until I realized that I had answered 1/3 of the test referring to the wrong tragedy. I am really screwed. For Art & Archeology, we had to go to the National Archaeological Museum so a bunch of us got on the bus and went there. We saw a lot of really cool Mycenean stuff. Then me and Joanna broker our rule and took a cab to the dining hall. It was stupid because walking would have probably been faster. We had lunch with Niki which was nice because she actually got to know us a little. From there we went by Vicky's to see Tasha and Kosti. He was hilarious. He just repeats everything that people say. By that time we were so tired we came home and enjoyed a lot of sleep. I jumped out of bed and went and bought gym shoes. We went to Greek class and then we came back home. Alex came by to show us all of her nice new clothes. Then Patty came and later Melanie and Minne. Me, Patty and Joanna decided not to go clubbing but they came totally dressed. I was having the biggest problem decided what to do. I wanted to do something laid back. I felt horrible though because I was brining down people's moods. After much confusion about what to wear, I got ready and we all went to Cafe 48. We met a bunch of people there who were going to Prime too. From the minute we got there, I began getting really a nnoyed. First then would not let us in unless we paid exact cover. Then, they did not let us sit down because t hey wanted it to look more packed. Then of course all the people began bothering me. I can not stand Tim. He almost kills someone when he dances. Surprisingly though he was dancing with some girls. And then there is Carl who just gropes everyone. And of course there is Sia with her new sidekick who get a huge kick out of dancing with themselves. By the end I was exhausted ad got dizzy again from the strobe lights. I came home, took a shower backed and now maybe get one hour of sleep in. 

February 16, 2000

Today was definitely a day of procrastination. We woke up in the morning and Patty came by so we could walk to class together which was a nice surprise. Art class was the usually ignoring her while she showed us slides. I went and I emailed for a while and then came back to the apartment. I still have no idea why I did that. All I did was put some books into by schoolbag and picked up some lunch. When I got back to the academic center there were a bunch of people there from history class talking about the test. I pretty much listened and learned a few things. The test was iffy. I knew a lot of stuff and I wrote it all down but I don't know if that is all she wanted. I was planning on going to Vicky's after class but decided to go at night instead so I could study. Tasha actually came today too which I did not know about. So me and Joanna sat at the academic center and did everything but study. At 8:00 we had a school diner so we went to that. The girls kept on stealing by bottle of water and I am like a little pushover who does not know what to do. We pretended lie it was Patty's birthday too and sang to her. We did not get out of there until 10 and we thought it would be a could idea to skip Vicky's so we could study. I have been sitting here organizing my desk for how long so I won't need to do it. As soon as I am done writing and get ready for bed, I will ready. We talked to Raina today too and it had really been a while. We are going to try to work something out for spring break maybe.

February 15, 2000

It was not fun getting up this morning but I did it and managed to stay awake during my classes. I came home right afterwards and slept for a few hours but it was a really bad sleep because I was really cold. I got up and studied an bit and then Patty came by so we could go to the academic center. Of course I did not get any studying done there. Greek class was fun today. We are able to talk tot the teacher about a lot of stuff. I got an A on my test too which I was excited about. Not to mention the A I got on the Attic Tragedy quiz. We had this meeting to go to that was about our experiences in Greece so far. It was so boring that we got up and left. We walked home in the freezing cold and ate and studied. Alex called so we could go to 222 but I was good and said no. Maybe tomorrow. I also found the best coffee place right on our block today. You can take it togo and they have all these really good flavors of instant coffees. Today I had vanilla nut and I plan to try them all. They have really cool tea flavors too. It definitely excites me.

February 14, 2000

I won't mention how classes were today because that subject seem to be pretty boring. During the afternoon, I actually managed to be ind of productive and got some studying done. I actually did some in the evening too but I was not really in the mood. But today was a nice Valentine's Day. I got a card from Sue in the mail and I got a card and a chocolate from Babas. At night Alex came by the apartment. We gossiped as usual and I learned more about Larry's obsession with this girl. Patty was over too so it was fun. THen Minnie came by so we could go out. She brought us each an orange rose. It was so sweet. Alex went home and we went searching for a bar. Every place was either too nice or wanted reservations today. We ended up at Taki's right by our apartment. We had a blast. I only had one drink but they each had four rounds. They were all buzzing and it was hilarious. Then they treated us to shots of Sambuca. At the end of the night we barely had enough money to pay our bill. Now we are home and dreading studying when we are tired tomorrow. Joanna was funny today. She was on a mission looking for peanut M&Ms but she could not find any. We went to Marinopoulos and came home with a bottle of Bailey's and Sambuca instead.

February 13, 2000

Today we got out of bed at 11 but unfortunately I cannot say that I enjoyed my sleep at all. I was cold and uncomfortable. Me, Joanna and Eva took a drive up to the castle. We walked around a little and took some pictures but that was all. When we got back home we just sat around, at lunch and did some homework. Eva left at 3 and our bus was leaving at 5. It was a really bad bus ride home too. It was really hot and the heat really smelled. I am still pretty nauseous from it. There are not plans for tonight so I am going to relax a little and read. This is going to be a busy week in terms of homework. I talked to Babs today too and she had a cyst removed from her tailbone yesterday. Poor thinkg. I wish I could have taken care of her. She got mad at me too because I never actually say the words I miss you.

I missed my sister from the minute I left home. Why could I not say it to her? I feel like if I tell someone that I miss them or that I love them, that it makes me look weak. They will know that I need them. It is as if at that moment, I give them the power to hurt me.

February 12, 2000

I could barely get up this morning but I did and we got ourselves ready to leave. We left for the bus an hour early and had to wait around before we could load the bus. Once we got on though we fell asleep. It was so unbelievable uncofrtable. I got the worse neck craps. But I ddi sleep though because we crossed with the ferry and I had no clue. On our way, we saw a terrible car accident. The two cars were smashed and we heard about it later on the news. When we got out of the bus, we could not find a cab to bring us to the house. The first guy did not know where it was and three of them told us to walk. Finally we put our stiff in and then told him where to take us. At the house, we were greeted and the door by Uncle George much to my surprise. I was not supposed to come if he was here but I was actually relieved. We ate some of Aunt Pat's pita and then went to sleep. When we woke up Eva came home. Neither of us knew the other would be here so it was a nice surprise. I always like it more when she is here. So we ate lunch and then relaxed a bit more. Eva had made plans for the evening to meet some old friends for coffee and so we went with. We want to Aroma which is right by the port. I met Lena's brother and her friends. Most of the time today I was trying to explain to people exactly what kind of program we are on. It got pretty old. Me and Joanna walked around a little bit and took some pictures. We asked two guys to take a picture of us and then made us take a picture of them. They even gave me their address and number so I could send it to them. It was really random. From there we came back to the house so we good visit and Athina a little bit. Then we headed to the restaurant to eat of course. We ate pizza and it was absolutely deliciouis. From there we went to play with Peggy at her house. Lena was there and she was as unfriendly as usual. The house is gorgeous inside but the colors and unbelievable tacky. We started playing board games with Peggy and she did not want to stop. The three of us were falling asleep at the table. Finally Paul came and drove us home. It was an interesting day. All food and sleep, the usual Nafpaktos trip. We at so much chocolate today it was crazy. We were planning on leaving on the morning bus but decided to stay till the afternoon so we could relax. There is just something about this place, it must be the king size bed. Before I begin to enjoy that sleep, I want to mention this nice old lady on the trolley yesterday. She was us all went and she took out tissues from her purse so we could dry ourselves. 

February 11, 2000 - Part 2

So the minute we stepped outside it started pouring rain! By the time me and Joanna reached the trolley we were soaked! It was the one day we actually made the effort to go to Alex's house dressed and it was completely pointless. The second we got there we stripped and put on nice warm clothes. We just sat around and did the normal nothing. Aunt Erma came home and we were talking about how she still has a love life and how the girls found proof of it. Alex told her who her boyfriend was too. She does not really remember him but she started crying anyway. She is worried about the village thing. George gave Alex money for her to go buy her own Valentine's Day gift. I can't believe the guy. Then we all went downstairs and pigged out on food. As we were sitting there the doorbell rang and it was none other than Uncle Gus and John. Of course I got yelled at for not calling but I really do not care. I did not talk to them for even two minutes. We were running late so we got ready quickly to go ice skating. The place was actually nice but the skates killed my feet since I was wearing two pairs of socks. A little later Matt came with is girlfriend. She was too cool to put on ice skates. Two of Matt's friends, John and Michael came. It was a lot of fun. I have never skated so well in my life but that was because the blade was so dull. Matt was the only who took some good tumbles. From there we went to 222. Larry showed up too but I did not talk to him at all that night. I was talking a bit with John though and he was really nice. Alex embarrassed Dina in from of the waiter Nick and I felt so bad for her. We left from there early even though I had the energy to stay later for the first time. We came home and packed and now I have time for a short nap before we need to leave. 

February 11, 2000

I fell behind yesterday and am writing quickly so that I do not fall behind anymore. Yesterday was a fairly busy day. We went to our morning classes as usual and from there we had to go to Angela's house, but we went by the dining hall first. Neither of us really liked the food so we were kind of just picking at it. George did not seem to have a problem with it because he was eating the meatballs in one bite. We walked to the bus to go to Angela's house. Lucky for us, Aunt Adi had cooked so we sat down and ate. Alex and Kathy came too and so did a friend of hers. Alex freaked because from the minute she walked in they started asking her where she got all her clothes. Not only that, but they ended dup buying exactly one of the same shirts she has. We hung out  there for a while and cut the cake. Me and Joanna had to go to class so Anna walked us half way. It is really close to their house. We had a test in Greek which was ok. It was cool though because we convinced her to let us leave afterwards. We had a girls night planned to go to Prime so me and Joanna were going to take naps. Minnie and Helen called to see if we wanted to go for pasta but we chose to slee. We wanted to wake up at 10 and then we heard the doorbell ringing. It was the girls and they were coming back from food. Our alarm clock had not rug and it was 11 already so we got up and quickly got ready. We went to Minnie's apartment because she was going to do our eye makeup. Her and Helen made them look so good. I need to learn how to do that. So at about 1, me, Joanna, Melanie, Minnie, Patty, Helen and AK headed to the club. Melanie was rambling to the cabbie in Greek and it was the funniest thing in the world. She had no clue what she was saying because she was partly drunk and he was teasing her. Prime was pretty cool. It was a nice place but not my type of music and there were not that many people. We dance a whole lot though and had a really good itme. We left at about 4:30 because we were tired. I was very dizzy for some reason and had only had one drink. So we slept as soon as we got home. This morning we got up and out to do some errands. Joanna went to the bank and I had to drop off and pick up laundry. I saw Vicky for a little bit and that was it. It is pouring rain outside so it is crappy. And we don't know what to do for lunch. Once we get some things in order we need to leave for Alex's house so that is all for now.

February 9, 2000

Today was really uneventrul. We went to class in the morning and the only good thing that came out of that was that our field trip on Saturday was cancelled. So we are going to go to Naftpaktos on Saturday morning. After class we just went and sat at Vicky's and drank coffee. Alex kept calling all day to stop by and I fell bad because we were not home at all. We went and ate and then went to History class. Helen came over for a short while and then me and Joanna both slept. We had plans to go out with the girls at night so we went by Patty's apartment. She was upset because she missed her boyfriend and everyone else ended up doing homework. So we came home early and might enjoy a decent night sleep.

February 8, 2000

These entries might kind of start to sound repetitive but oh well because that is what my life is while I am here. We went to our classes as usual and afterwards we did some stuff. I finally sent the stuff to the girls and then we went for lunch and then we picked up our pictures from the totally hot hot guy. Then we went to Body Shop to get Angela a present and then we went big time grocery shopping. I must say it was very productive. In the evening we went to Greek class then to Everest with Patty and Helen. They went home and me and Joanna went to Minnie's apartment. It is so much nicer than ours. We ended up at Cafe 48 for drinks. I don't know why people go there. It was a nice mellow place but they had nothing in terms of alcohol. Minnie came over for a little while and now I am ready to sleep. I can't wait till the weekend so maybe I can relax a little.... hopefully.

February 7, 2000

Today was a quit yet very tiring day. We went to our morning class as usual and were informed once again that we have to make up the class that we missed on Saturday morning. Wonderful. Then me and Joanna just did some things that needed to be dome. We dropped off our film so tomorrow we will have pictures. We went for lunch at the cafeteria where they had delicious pastichio. We were talking to Bianca and she invited us over for dinner. After that we met Minnie, Melanie and Helen for coffee. I did not stay though because I wanted to talk to my sister. In history class she surprised us with a quiz and I almost freaked. Actually, I did freak until she told us it does not cout. Thank God. Maybe her class won't be too bad. At home I did some homework and took what could have been a great nap if it were not for the interupptions. When I got up Joanna went to her cousins and I went to Vicky. She is sick so we just sat around. I was totally falling asleep. She make me and Joanna pasta too because she heard me say we had no food. It was actually really really good. Now I am going to sleep even though I know I should get the stuff ready to sent to the girls. I know that as long as I am in Greece I will never feel caught up with anything and I hate that feeling.

February 6, 2000

This is going to be a long and probably random entry because there is so much to write. I skipped yesterday because I was absolutely dead at night. We woke up yesterday morning and had breakfast at our hotel. As soon as everyone was together, we got on the bus and drove about one hour to start our hiking trip. We went to Zagori. We started walking up this little trail and the scenery was to die for. All around you could see snow capped mountains and there were lot of tress and a river. We continued walking and the path began to get really hard. There were point where there was nowhere to grip your foot on. It was really scary. And my shoes were not helping my situation at all so I almost fell about 5 times and I semi-fell once. At one point, they made us climb the most impossible uphill and then they told us they make a mistake and made us all turn around. We stopped at a little monastery that was up there too. After a full three house of hiking, we found pavement. It felt so good knowing what I just did. It was a very natural rush, one of those things you k now you will never experience again. There was this cute little dog too that we picked up at the monastery and it led us all the way down. From there we all got on the bus and slept while driving to the Zagori villages. They were gorgeous. Very small with all stone houses. We stopped at one for lunch. The restaurant we went to ran out of food. Me and Joanna ended up just eating salad. We walked around a little and had a mini snowball fight. A bunch of people headed off again but me and Melanie stayed behind. We tried to find them or to find the monastery but we couldn't. We tool a mini walk of the village and then just sat and enjoyed the peacefulness. A long while later, the group came and said they had found a really beautiful gorge. I was and am so upset that I messed it. They took us back to the hotel and gave us a few hours to rest and then we had the option of going to the city and night. We all hung out in the rooms and talked. We formed a really fun groupl. Me, Joanna, Melanie, Minnie, Patty, Larry and Tim (whatever). We pretty much did everything together this weekend. We spent a bunch of time in the lobby too playing backgammon. I was teaching Patty and Brody strategies of the game. Melanie was playing with some Greek guys and she was kicking their ass. So then we all got ready and went to the center. Everyone wanted to go to another restaurant but I was personally sick of htem. Larry spent forever on his phone trying to find a good one from his cousin and we ended up at a new place. We made it a point to eat fish and I got trout and it was absolutely delicious. From there we wanted to go dancing but we were so tired. We found some other people at the restaurant from the night before. Nobody was sure what to do. We wanted to go home on the bus because when we told people where we were staying they had no clue what we were talking about. At the end we all ended up leaving. We stopped at Hageen Daaz first though. The interesting part of the night was on the bus when we had to make  right turn but could not because a car was in the way. Somebody called the police and we had to sit and wait for it to get moved. It was absolutely crazy. Tons of people had gathered around and all this traffic was caused by one car. After about 45 minutes a tow truck came and moved it. By then of course we were all frost bitten and sleep walking. That is why when we got to the hotel I could not pick up a pen to write. But I did finally go to the bathroom. 

Today we went had to wakeup bright and early again. We had to be ready to leave the hotel because we were going to walk around Giannena and then leave. We went first to a museum and saw some of Ali Passa stuff and some old weapons. We had some free time then so I set off on a mission to find bougatsa. We walked all over but I finally found Select, the best bougatsa in the world. We had to eat it running back but it was completely worth it. THen they took us to the little islad. They told us we only had half and hour and we all freaked. We had so much shopping to do. I bought a ring for me and then some stuff for Raina and Babs. Joanna found this nice bracelet and she was going to buy it. The guy was going to remove a link and he ended up kind of ruining it. Joanna pointed it out and he freaked out and told her he was not going to sell it to her. In a way that was good because she did not want to buy it. We ended up staying at the island for one and a half hours and whenever made it to the museum. Oh well. We were all ready so late taking off that we did not stay for lunch. We got on the bus to head back to Athens. I think the whole group just passed out. We finally reached Athens at about 10:30. We hopped in a cab and came home. Now I am in desperate need of a shower because I have not take on in thee (three that is, I cannot write I am so delirious) days because I was lazy and scared and I then I need sleep. The one thing that I did not do was call Jim which was really bad on my part but there was no way I would be able to see him anyway. 

February 4, 2000

This is so much fun! Today started at 5am when we got up to get ready for the trip. We took a cab to school because our bags were heavy and it was raining. We had our own bus so it was so cool. Almost everybody fell asleep right away. We made our first stop and McDonald's and had some ice cream. It is just as good but much smaller. Joanna had the good seat and slept more but I could not do it. Then we stopped for lunch in Amfilohia. It was like a cafeteria with lots of different fodos. I made Joanna give me the good seat the rest of the way and I slept.  We reached Ioannena at about 4pm. Our hotel is really cute. It is a sports center or something. I forced myself to the front of the line so we could get a four person room. We stayed with Melanie and Minne. It is really good because we are finally spending quality time with other people. We got the nicest room out of everyone. We are the only ones with a bathtub and a space heater. We all went downstairs for some tea to kill time. The whole group met later and we drove to the city center. We split up and just walked around. It is gorgeous here. The mountain tops have some snow. But it is unbelievably windy and you cannot stand outside. We ran into some kids and they started throwing rocks at us. Little brats. Then we all went to a restaurant. The food was absolutely delicious, especially the octopus. We were all taking pictures like crazy. Some people got totally carried away on the wine. We were so loud. It was hilarious. After that we went to the bus to head home except that our bus driver was drunk. He gets on the microphone and goes "You guys might think I am a little drunk, well I am" and "I am a good guy, but that was good wine". So we had to wait for him to sober up. Every went and got Bailey's ice cream. When he finally started driving, he was taking the most wild turns. At one point he could not make a turn so our tour guys got out and moved a car. It was such a Mentos commercial. We finally made it home. Now we are sitting here saying scary stories and they want me to stop writing so I should. I am really loving this. 

February 3, 2000

This is going to be a short journal entry because I need to wake up in 5 hours and because today was uneventful. We went to our classes as usual. I got kind of pissed in Archaeology because he is making us make up the class we missed and on a Sunday. I think that it so wrong because it was for his stupid back. I would have rather sat through it then rather than on a Sunday. Afterwards, me and Joanna went to the bank so she could finally get some money and then to Vicky's. We sat there till lunch where we ate so many stuffed peppers. I told Vicky that if she wants us to go back she cannot give us so much food. I talked to Alex and she told me there is a gathering this weekend and I want to go. She told me that she went to 222 on Sunday and there were these two couples that were like beating each other up and kissing each other, guys and girls both. It sounded really weird. Then we came home and did some dumb housework until class. Then again after class we just packed and had a talk abbot being comfortable with who we are. My stomach is all funky today. I am bloated and I took and ex-lax and everything feels funny. And nothing has happened yet.

I really wish I could hear everything that was said during the conversation about being comfortable with who we are...

February 2, 2000

I had a great wake up call today after a very bad night's sleep. I twas daddy and he was up alone and felt like talking to me. He was giving me advise and telling me about his days in Greece for 15 minutes. We got up and got ready for our morning adventure to celebrate cancelled class. We walked to the city to go shopping. On our way there we saw a store with the cheapest clothes. I bought a shirt for myself and for Babs too. I would have bought so much more but you could not try it on. We found Monastiraki even though it is kind of sketchy there. I did find a purse. Then we turned around and walked through Plaka. We made it out and knew exactly where we were. I was extremely impress with  myself.  We went for lunch and then to class. It was nice today because we had class outdoors at the stadium. Except that by the end it had gotten cold and our butts hurt. For some reason, and probably that of my monthly visitor, I was exhausted. I took a nap when I came home and have productively doing homework since then. 

February 1, 2000

Today was certainly a good way to start of the month. We woke up as usual to go to class. Attic Tragedy is a horrible class. I got my quick back and I got a B. I should be happy with that because Joanna got an F. I have no idea what this guy expects of us. Then I went and checked my email. Renee really upset me. She opened up to us about a lot of things that I wish she had told us earlier. She really needs someone there because a lot of stuff is bothering her. I guess to that point, the day was not so great. Then I went to Archeology class and Joanna came and said it was cancelled. So we went to a bakery, got some cookies and went to Vicky's for coffee. It was like the summer days. We left from there and went to the dollar store and bought some cute apartment stuff. When we got home, we realized our door was unlocked and all the windows were opened. We kind of freaked until we realized we were hit by the cleaning lady! They did everything. Our dishes were washed, all our bottles were lined up, our garbage was thrown out, it was just unbelievable. And they cleaned our disgusting bathtub. We attempted to to sleep but the coffee interfered with that. Wen went to our Greek class and saw a sign that said Byzantine Art was cancelled tomorrow. So we got excited because we can sleep in and go somewhere. Then I finally made plans with Angela and Anna for coffee. So me and Joanna met them. It was really nice there and very close. So now it is pretty early and I want to do some homework and get some sleep. I am just generally happy today. The weather is gorgeous. It supposed to change again soon but I will enjoy it while I can. And another thing today is that Paul was at the store when we got there with his girlfiend and she is really cute. I am excited for him. 

January 31, 2000

Oh my goodness was today an exhausting day. We had a walking tour with our Byzantine art class and we walked almost to the top of the Acropolis. It was so unbelievably hot out, we were dying. After class, I headed back to the apartment to pick up my laundry and I was meeting Joanna at Vicky's. She had the most crazy customer in the store. She sat in the chair and expected Vicky to bring everything to her. I even had to go get her a glass of water. I felt so bad for Vicky but she ended up spending a lot of money so I guess she could feal. We went for lunch and then straight to our next class. History was boring as usual. All she talks about are different sources. Anyway. From there we went straight to Alex's house. The trolley was jam packed. Joanna had never seen anything like that and I don't think she like it too much. Once we got there we just vegged on the couch. I cannot believe the walking we did today. Then it was time for the party! We went to the neighbor's house and at first it was just us and one friend. Then a lot of people came. I met her sister. Her mom had made a delicious pizza and two yummy cakes. We even danced. It was fun. Alex started to come home with us but then she got detoured and went to George instead. I found out some interesting stuff about Larry today. Some gorgeous girl from Crete sent him tickets to go see her so they could hook up and he overslept and never got htem. Vicky told me that mom called yesterday to make sure that I was alright. I had a bad day and they freak out. It is nice to know that they worry so much though. Ok I need to sleep.


 "It is nice to know that they worry so much though." - This is what I wanted. I wanted to know that someone cared. I wanted to know that someone loved me. It's funny that what I wanted was right in front of me and I did not even notice. They still are and too often, take their love and support for granted.

January 30, 2000

Vicky came yesterday and she did my make up as usual. She said that first you put on the mascara and then they eyeshadow so then you can estimate the curve from where the lashes end. We met her gay friend Sam at the corner and walked to Bar 456. It was a candlelit place with really low music. There were some classmates there so I talked to them a little bit. We saw this table with really comfy seats and Vicky asked if we could sit there. They guy told us that the table had been bought out by some political guy. So anytime the guys went there the table had to be available for him. We sat and I pretty much listened to them talk. On our way home me and Vicky stopped for crepes and we called it a night. We called Babs too and she told me to call and talk to dad tomorrow because he wanted to talk to me. A few minutes later dad called. He was so cute. He was just rambling and you can tell he wanted to talk but he was tongue tied. I really miss him. This morning I slept in. I was hoping I would wake up early because there were supposed to ring some bells at 11:30. For some reason they never ended up ringing so I slept till 1:00. I left right away and met Joanna at the house. Her aunt drove us to Uncle Jim's house. When she was getting out of the parking spot though, she hit the car behind us. The lady saw and flipped out. Me and Joanna got out to look and it was a tiny scratch. We ate at Uncle Jim's and then took the bus to the city and walked around. When I came home I attempted doing some work but fell asleep. Alex woke us up and we waited for George to come. Now I need to get some stuff done but I don't feel like it. Yesterday the Metro started running. All public transportation was free this weekend so everyone was out. There is a stop on the blue line by our house so it might become very convenient for us.

Feeling my past

As I am rewriting these entries I noticed that I really only wrote about what I did, who I saw, how much I ate, etc. I didn't write about feelings. I don't remember having feelings even though they were very much there. I had numbed myself to my feelings. But now 14 years later, they are coming out. I can read them between my words. I can feel them in my heart.

I feel lonely. I was trying so hard to feel connected to someone or something. I was desperate to form close relationships with my cousins. I was desperate to get noticed by boys. I was desperate to make new friends. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. But now I see that the only person I wanted or needed to make a connection with was myself. I am still struggling with that which is why I am here doing this.

I feel anger. My anger is directed towards Joanna. She was one of my best friends. I loved her. I had fun with her. But I did not want her there. This was supposed to be my trip. My opportunity to go out and be independent and discover who I am and experience new things. She decided to come along because she thought studying abroad with your best friend would be awesome. But the second I found out she was going to come too, I felt like a part of me was robbed. How was I going to discover MYSELF with HER there. I was not going to just be Angie. WE were going to be Angie and Joanna. MY new experiences would be OUR new experiences. I felt cheated. And I felt trapped. How could you tell anyone, let alone one of your best friends, that you don't want her there. I did the only thing I thought I could do, I buried my feelings, shut my mouth, and pretended to be excited.

I am also very surprised by how little I remember of this trip. I thought memories would come flooding back but I actually don't remember actually experiencing any of the things described. The feelings are coming back. The memories themselves are not. I worked hard to bury them and now I am working hard to discover them.

January 29, 2000

Last night actually had a continuation. I did not mention that Alex and George had kind of gotten into an argument because he made some comment that she talked to much. Well Alex got tot he house at about 10 this morning and said that when she got back he was crying. Some things are just so unexpected. We all fell asleep again and woke up around 12:30. The girls left and I wont see them again too soon. I should also mention that Larry called yesterday but did not end up coming out because he had to study. 

Today was not really a good day. I am so unbelievable depressed. That is probably because I have been alone all day today. Joanna left in the morning to go to her aunts house and I was left alone. I got ready and went to the academic center to make some plans. Unfortunately nobody was home. I totally did not want to be alone but there was nothing I could do about it. So I went home and studied a little. I had the caramel tea the George gave me to keep me company. I kept going to try and call people to do somehting. Angela had a class and Anna was studying. Vicky was sleepting. I was tempted to just go do my homework at their houses. Then I talked to Joanna and she is not coming home tonight so I don't know exactly what I am going to do. Right now I am waiting for Vicky to come by so we can go out. I thought about lying to her and telling her I don't feel good by I think that will only make my situation worse.

January 28, 2000

I did not sleep as much as I wanted to this morning, go figure. Joanna overslept a whole lot too which was kind of bad because it really set our day back. She had a bad morning because nothing was going right. She still does not have a band account or money now. This whole thing was not a good idea. Anyway, we did not get out of the house until almost 1:30 to go to Alex's house. We walked to the trolley from our house. I got kind of confused because the street signs don't make sense. But I asked and I figured it out so now I know that too. We got to the house at 3:00 and they were waiting for us to eat. We called Babs too and we were rushing her off the phone so I feel bad now. We at a whole ton of food and then some bougatsa. We all just sat around and looked at their stuff to kill time before we went shopping. We walk to Ionia and just went crazy. There were so many cheap cute shirts. Joanna bought an adorable hoochie dress and a shirt. Alex bough go-go boots and a shirt. I bought a pair of tights, a grey leopard halter and a blank knee length skirt. But I still had no luck on the shoe thing. We went back home and tried to make plans but everyone ditched us. So we went to 222 instead. We actually had a great time. Me and Kathy got into a discussion with George about what we need to do to get a boyfriend. Kathy was hilarious. She was practicing her pick up lines on him. He did give us some good advice though. He said we need to be more relaxed and that we need to get one guy and then the rest will notice us. And we openly discussed the subject of the other woman. By the end of the night I was dead and fell asleep on his benches. We are all about to leave and then his friend Peter came and offered to drive us all home. Alex anded up going back and Kathy stayed over. I am so tired not that this is the vaguest entry I have written. Maybe my brain will be functioning better tomorrow and I might remember more.