Feeling my past

As I am rewriting these entries I noticed that I really only wrote about what I did, who I saw, how much I ate, etc. I didn't write about feelings. I don't remember having feelings even though they were very much there. I had numbed myself to my feelings. But now 14 years later, they are coming out. I can read them between my words. I can feel them in my heart.

I feel lonely. I was trying so hard to feel connected to someone or something. I was desperate to form close relationships with my cousins. I was desperate to get noticed by boys. I was desperate to make new friends. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. But now I see that the only person I wanted or needed to make a connection with was myself. I am still struggling with that which is why I am here doing this.

I feel anger. My anger is directed towards Joanna. She was one of my best friends. I loved her. I had fun with her. But I did not want her there. This was supposed to be my trip. My opportunity to go out and be independent and discover who I am and experience new things. She decided to come along because she thought studying abroad with your best friend would be awesome. But the second I found out she was going to come too, I felt like a part of me was robbed. How was I going to discover MYSELF with HER there. I was not going to just be Angie. WE were going to be Angie and Joanna. MY new experiences would be OUR new experiences. I felt cheated. And I felt trapped. How could you tell anyone, let alone one of your best friends, that you don't want her there. I did the only thing I thought I could do, I buried my feelings, shut my mouth, and pretended to be excited.

I am also very surprised by how little I remember of this trip. I thought memories would come flooding back but I actually don't remember actually experiencing any of the things described. The feelings are coming back. The memories themselves are not. I worked hard to bury them and now I am working hard to discover them.